Sunday, December 26, 2010

learning patience

I think I have spent the majority of 2010 learning, above all else, the maddening lesson of the virtue and importance of patience.

I am a person who oftentimes wants answers, reasons, moments, closure or resolutions NOW. And in looking back, my urgency in some final answer oftentimes has led to pain and hurt and unease in my life. I think this emerges out of the control freak in me. While I dont have to be the one in control necessarily, I do, to a compulsive point, need to know that at least someone or something *does* have control. Otherwise its disordered, stressful and chaotic for me.

This last year, control was lost. There is no way to control some of the things that happened, death in the family and the reaction and fallout of that, people changing and relearning how to know eachother, changing yourself and in many ways finding yourself, health scares in family and friends, homelessness and recovery from substance abuse in the family and so many other smaller, uncontrollable things that I cannot even begin to list...

For the longest time it made me feel small, powerless, often times irritated and angry and defiant and at the darkest times, gutted, defeated and sad.

All I could do was wait. Hope. Believe. Accept.

Wait for answers. Wait for resolution and for peace and knowledge. Hope that it would all be okay, and if it wasn't, hope that I would be okay with that somehow. Believe in the answers I got and believe that answers were still to come. And ultimately, to accept it all, good and bad, either way.

This year has been good throughout the hard times. Ive become more fully myself. Im learning patience and grace in the waiting. I am starting to relinquish control and find magic in some of that chaos. Im more open, more honest, less critical and closed off.

Im more patient with my life... and I think that that has been one my biggest gifts and lessons of 2010.

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