One of the many things that I have learned in the past months is how very much like a mistress grief is. Something that I wish to delve into unabashedly but I try to keep locked away out of view from everyone around me, hoping and praying that my family, my friends, and the stranger I pass by in the street do not know that I spend my every solitary moment lying with my mistress, my grief.
"Why do you come here, when you know I've got troubles enough? Why do you call me, when you know I can't answer the phone? And make me lie when I don't want to, And make someone else some kind of an unknowing fool? You make me stay when I should not? If you're so strong or is all the weakness in me."
Honestly, there is not enough time in each day to spend a moment with my grief mistress. I'm a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, and a friend. I spend my days changing diapers, picking up, getting snacks, helping the girls, managing the finances, helping with various creative endeavors of family and friends... It fills each and everyday to the point where I give little conscious thought to grieving when I am in it.
But at night, when the house is quiet; my love and my treasures asleep- in she sneaks for her time with me. Time to delve into the depths of my secretive reality. I'm still grieving, grief has become my mistress, always there no matter how far I push away from her. She comes calling. Even when I have no intention of time for her, she keeps coming in. And the next morning, like a guilty lover I say that I am okay. I'm doing good even. Everything's fine.
Grief is natural and necessary. But still I am ashamed and hesitant to experience it. Afraid of what will happen if I delve into it fully. So I flirt with it. I play around with it... And then clean up the evidence again before morning comes and people will notice. I'm too weak and scared to fully admit and feel my grief. I'm too weak to tell her to leave or come back when I feel strong enough to be honest about her.
"Feeling guilty, Worried, waking from a tormented sleep 'Cause this old love, has me bound, But this new love cuts deep. If I choose now, I lose out; One of you has to fall... And I need you, and you..."(Quotes are from the Joan Armatrading song 'The Weakness In Me')