Monday, July 8, 2013

Long time gone.

I haven't technically blogged since September 27th.  I've added in two pieces of writing that I did to keep my writing in one place, but I haven't sat down and opened blogger to create a blog entry since September 27th, 2012.

Today is July 7th, 2013.

My life is divided into two sections now.  Before October 9th, 2012 and after.

Grief is scary.  It changes you.  It scars you.  It scares you.  In so many ways, I don't know who I am anymore, and I miss desperately who I was.

It's hard to wrap your mind around the fact that you can wake up one morning one person, and in a split second, your world can shatter, change and never be the same again.  That a part of you, who you are and who you will and can be can die with the person you lose.  Your life becomes intertwined forever with pain and mourning and desperate longing.

And it doesn't get better.  I'd like to sing a triumphant song of it gets better, but that's a lie.  It never gets better.  You just get used to it.  It becomes so much a part of who you are that it is simply your new normal.

This has lead in me, a tendency to shut down.  Be quiet.  Be still.  Because when I open my mind, my mouth or my heart to speak... it's inevitably a broken record of missing my mother, missing who I was, missing everything we would have had and experienced and knowing that I can't have her back.  She is gone.  And that is never going to change.  And while I can honor my own grief internally, I sit down to write and know that at some point, people just don't want to hear it anymore.  And that's okay.  I understand that.  Who hops around the internet hoping to read about someones grief, pain and loss?

Life does go on.  Joy is still had.  Moments of laughter, love and peace happen.  But at the end of the day, my heart is heavy for what isn't and will never be again.

I miss my mom.
My heart is broken.
I live in grief.

It's all a part of who I am; good, bad and ugly.

2 comments:

  1. my husband's mom unexpectedly passed away two years ago this past february. you are absolutely right in saying that grief consumes you and makes you do crazy things. the first year was so, so hard, especially for my husband. it was even overwhelming to think about how to world was continuing to turn, while he was locked in sorrow.

    and now we get to keep her memory alive for our children.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I just wanted to let you know I still feel the same way. My mom, who was my everything, passed away, unexpectedly, as well, almost 10 years ago (will be 10 years in October). I have a few days where I notice I am more of who I was before she died, but still, most of the time, I am this mush of a person who has no clue how to even cope without her. It has taken years of therapy, and still years more to come, I have a feeling, for me to feel as though I may come out of this fog at some point. If you ever need anyone, at all, to talk to, be a shoulder, I am here. :)

    ReplyDelete