Friday, August 30, 2013

"You should be fine. I love you... bye bye."

Those were the last words that my mom said to me... left in a message in voicemail shortly before she died.

I believe my Mom with all my heart.  I will be fine.  But what is different now, is my new definition of "fine".  It doesn't mean what it used to for me anymore.  And some days I want to cry out to wherever she may be "I'm not fine!  I can't be fine... not without you!" Yesterday was one of those days.  A day filled with tears in private moments and blinking them back to carry on when faced with other people and the daily tasks of my life.  I wanted to just slink away into some dark space.  A place that matched the reality of my own mind that was dwelling in those darkest of places.  Shut it all out. Make it all go away and sink slowly into my own pain, longing and sorrow.

Naturally- I cried out in the only way that I knew how to and posted on facebook.  I didn't want to speak to anyone directly or in person, but I needed someone, anyone, to know that I was hurting.  And the love that poured forth?  Nothing short of a miraculous and beautiful gift.  Words that when I read them, make me cry tears of gratitude and joy.  I am not alone.  People understand.  And people care enough to take time out of their days to say something.  And what was said?  I can't even begin to convey the power and the beauty of the words.  They carried me through, holding my hand to pull me out of the dark and scary places that I sometimes travel to.

I glanced in the mirror before leaving the house today and was struck to see my mom staring back at me.  Guiding me.  Letting me know she is with me always.  I carry her, her legacy, her love and her being within myself.  I'm not alone.  I can do this, and I will be fine.  Because she taught me how to be.

""Everyday I become a little more like my mother… and I couldn’t be prouder"

Yesterday was a hard day. Today I choose to acknowledge her strength and wisdom that she instilled in me and carry on and upwards knowing I am not alone.

4 comments:

  1. i'm so sorry you're hurting my friend. . . *hugs* all the way from singapore.

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  2. You completely gave me goosebumps and made me cry with this one. You've been on my mind and in my heart NON-STOP this week. You said everything that I know your mom would want you to know. I can't think of anything I could add to it that would make anything better or add any truth, except that you should re-read this often. Your mom is a piece of who you are, and you're carrying bits of her with you every day. You have every right to feel like you feel, and if you ever need a cry-on-shoulder, watch-tv-in-pj's, talk-or-not-talk friend, I'm here. I'll do anything I can to help you through the rough days, and will celebrate with you on the good ones. I love you friend. So much. <3

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  3. I don't know what to say... So sorry... *HUGS*

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