Sunday, February 23, 2014

Hazy Shade of Winter...

I promise you that I meant it when I started to blog again and seemed to do so regularly for about a minute.

And then I got sick.  And I got sick again. And again.  And again.  And again.

It's been a bad season.  Almost everyone you could meet has had "the crud" as we've all taken to calling it.  Some have had the flu, but most that I know have at the very least had this crud that has been spreading itself and lingering and lounging about in our sinuses and in our lungs.

I've been down 5 times since September and ended up on prednisone and antibiotics 4 of those times and most recently on another course of antibiotics this last week due to a raging case of tonsillitis that had me almost literally becoming one with my couch, planning my "goodbye cruel world" speeches to be left to be read at my funeral, because surely, I was dying.  Dramatic, much?

I really try to go along with the flow and forge ahead even if I don't feel my best.  I don't like to say no to people and things and experiences and possibilities and I find that I have simply ran myself to the point of 4 sinus infections, 4 lung infections and tonsillitis.

At some point, I hope that I will learn to rest.  To simply be able to say "no" and to trust that those who hear that answer won't want to leave me or walk away or be upset with me.  I carry a pretty unconditional love for everyone in my life, but some how I have never quite learned to have faith that people do in fact have that for me.  Logically, I know they do.  But my heart is vulnerable and insecure and worries.  A lot.

In addition to the physical hardship that being sick will put on anyone- I've been dealing with the mental hardship the most lately.  My body is letting me down.  I feel like I am failing my body and my soul somehow.  My lungs don't seem to like to do their job lately.  This last week, I haven't even been able to swallow without crying.  I'm anxious and I'm sad that I just haven't felt good enough always to do the things that I want and need to do.

I don't know what I am hoping to accomplish in writing this and inevitably hitting the publish button.  But I have to get it out... it's been bubbling up inside me and I don't want to blow.  I don't want to carry this negativity, self doubt and sometimes even self hatred around inside me.  I don't want it to run me down even more and get sick again.

I've been slowly making the journey to healthier living.  Getting some issues under control medically (thyroid, blood pressure, etc) has been my main priority lately, as well as focusing on putting things in my body that promote health and healing.  I'll get there. I will.  These have just been bumps in the road.

Thank you for reading my rambling... looking forward to writing and sharing more thoughts and art soon.

1 comment:

  1. Rachel, you're not alone.... this past season I dealt with three bouts of pneumonia, a lymphatic infection, and just recently fell down my stairs and tore my rotator cuff. The last one caused melt-down yesterday to go along with the mountain of family that's going around. Oye. I am so thankful to have friends like you that 'get' me. Love you girl and hope you are feeling better soon.