Wednesday, November 12, 2014

I miss the days that it was easy to sit and write. I had journals filled with pages upon pages of my thoughts, ideas, feelings and observations of my life around me. Even when I first started blogging I would write regularly and honestly about my life and the things that filled or weighed on my heart and mind. 

But somewhere along the line, I lost that drive. That ritual. That release. I've never lost the need. But I lost the ability, or perhaps the bravery, to continue pouring myself out there in such a way. 

My life is filled with many amazing highs. Happiness. Love. Friendship. Peace. And then there are the darker parts of me, hiding in the spaces and caverns that I have built to lock them away. I became afraid of my feelings if they were anything less than positive and hopeful. Afraid of what others may think of me and afraid that they would turn on me if they knew all of my heart and my mind. 

I read an article yesterday about facts or qualities of the highly sensitive individuals. It struck me because it had been shared by the people who I knew that to be true of. But who I also know probably aren't aware of how much that it applies to me. I carry myself with a front of strength and security and an assuredness that others see and never bother to look beyond. Because if they knew how I absorb every little detail of life around me, they wouldn't be able to handle it and the pressure that ultimately comes with that. 

There have been a few times in my life where I have tried to speak up, tried to express my true feelings of hurt or sadness. Honestly, I can't think of a single time that it didn't backfire on me and end up on me being told how I was wrong for my feelings. And so often by those who are the self proclaimed highly sensitive ones. I don't doubt their own sensitivity, but even highly sensitive individuals aren't always sensitive in such a way to anything other than their own reality. I bear the burden of being highly sensitive myself, as well as to everything and every one around me. 

I don't want to sound bitter. The fact that I feel everything very deeply and intensely is something that I would never change. But I would very much like to change how others react or completely overlook that fact about me. I know, I know. You can't change people and how they act or react. You can only change yourself. But the only thing that I can think of to change myself is to change who I allow in my life. But I don't know how to do that. 

When I love someone and let them in, I let them all in. And to let go of that is dauntingly terrifying. Because at the end of the day, I always value others happiness over my own. I don't know how to stand up for or take care of myself in that way. I know I need to. I can feel it reaching the crisis point for my own personal sanity and health, but I don't know how. Because I can't stop thinking about the other person above myself. Burying my hurt and frustration in those deep hiding places in my heart until they are so far in they ultimately become scars.