Saturday, July 18, 2015

I'll be 34 soon

Last year, I celebrated turning 33 at a long table, surrounded by friends who I love like family. Watching the man I love play music with our friends who have become our family. It was magical night, surrounded in love and light and celebration of how grateful I was to get to spend another year in this beautiful earth. 

My life wasn't perfect, it was imperfectly beautiful. And while there was and will always be an ache in my heart for those who can't join my table on this earth any longer, it was still beautiful, and those like my mother, are in my heart and my soul, the very fabric of who I am for as long I walk this earth. 

Last year I had a person at that table, a person I called my person; my best friend, my soul mate, my other half, my friend. This year, that person won't be at my table. And while I prefer to not speak in absolutes about most things, it is very hard for me to believe that they will ever join me at my table again in heart or in body.  

1 year, 12 months, 365 days, 8760 hours, 525,600 minutes. 

A lot happens in a year. Incredibly confusing misunderstandings, harboring hurt and confusion that can turn into exhaustion and even anger, accusations and faking it hoping you'll make it, and finally betrayal and silence when you need your person the most. 

I'm no angel. I am an oxymoron of a person. I am sensitive with sometimes sharp edges. I'm shy and quiet, except for when I'm all in your face and geeking about something I like liking. I joke to cover my pain and hurt and fears. I often joke that P!NK is the only woman who ever wrote song lyrics as a woman that I can identify with ("leave me alone, I'm lonely" comes to mind:-P). And my almost animalistic hatred of talking on the phone borders on neurosis. This is just a short list of some of my special qualities that just make me, me. 

And it had been building up. That weird, almost palpable feeling in the air between us... Mutual friends would ask me about it. And I tried to play it off, brushing those growing and nagging feelings down a little further (what was I thinking?! I should know better by now!) with the busy lives spiel... Inside betraying my heart a little more each time I made believe that there was nothing wrong. And I sent the big "Let's just be better I can't lose any one else!" messages bound and determined to make it so. And it worked for about a day. 

Then all those feelings would again ride the issues elevator to the surface and I would be there, with all those feelings and a promise to just be over it. It's enough to make one crazy! And I know it wasn't just me who had to be going crazy over the whole scenario either! It had become a completely toxic cycle to all who were at all close to it. 

I can't speak for anyone else. I only know my heart. And my heart was hurt. My person hadn't been being my person, I felt like she was constantly jumping to the worst conclusions about me, I felt like she only reached out when she needed something from me, I felt like she had gone behind my back on a business endeavor she knew I wanted to do, she had checked out on me, and it all culminated for me when she wasn't there for me at truly scary and dark time in my life; with the death of my aunt, the hospitalization of my brother with blood clots in his lungs and my fathers stroke and subsequent hospitalization. It was such a dark time. I barely remember even having time to go to the bathroom let alone who I was making sure I kept in great contact with. But with the exception of the last thing, that trigger spark, everything was small... but problems are kind of like ants. You discount them and ignore them until suddenly your house is living on their hill. Made by 100s of small ants. Just like problems.  They build, they combine their powers and they grow. 

The one thing I did know though, was that I had had this feeling and this experience with her before. Years before. One day it just seemed she changed. I could feel it on a molecular level almost, and while the self proclamations of self care and changing for good were made... All I knew was that it didn't feel good or right and that I was being purposefully pushed away. Detatched from. Attacked. Hurt. And cruelly and coldly so. Back then, the only logical reason I could come up with was that it had to do with her plans of moving back here being canceled to stay in another state. This time? I can only assume it being because they were in talks, and eventual planning to move back to that very same state from this one. 

I have never moved further than across the the same town I was born, raised and have lived my whole life in. I can not begin to understand the mental or emotional process that is. 

But I know I would hope that I would trust my people enough to continue to allow myself to love them and them to love me, no matter how near or far. 

Had *any* of this been done in kinder and more open way, I would have cried and hugged her like I never wanted to let go, but I also would have immediately jumped into house daydreaming mode with her, future visits mode, and the planning of the most epic of good bye celebrations. I would have mourned my loss of what life was and embraced what life would soon be. And I would have been happy for her and her family. All I ever wanted for her was her best life possible and that didn't seem to be working out here. And their other state seemed to offer more, everything's bigger there, after all- right? Not to mention family and friends. And her best life was always more important to me than her proximity. I've always understood. Even though it hurt. I always will ultimately understand it. 

Especially because ultimately, it was *I* who made the statements in response to the Facebook messenger ultimatum of conversation or the almighty Facebook block (which I'd been blocked before I'd even read it none the less)
"I don't want to fight." 
"I don't want to work on this anymore."
"I can't do it. It's not healthy for me."
Basically, you're right. Let's not be friends.
No semicolon. Just a period.

Friendship in this day and age, especially in my generation, is an odd paradigm of long held etiquette beliefs of old and the new easy access to on/off switches of power in the very relationships that are supposed to weave together the fabric of our lives. I used to believe the block feature meant empowerment. I prided myself on it. I think I am one who taught her how to do it in some ways. But it's not. It's weak. It's running from your problems without facing them. If you can't do it in real life, chances are very, very good that it shouldn't be done online, either. I don't use it anymore. Using it strips me of my power and my own strength and maturity in my real, daily, personal relationships.  

It didn't have to be like it turned out.

Either way, my table would be less a body in a seat this year, but my life would not be less a person who I considered my person.

But I know this year when I look around me, I will still be surrounded by people, my people, that I love and hold dear. People who make my life so imperfectly beautiful that it takes my breath away. Doing everything I can to be living my life beautifully, truthfully, authentically and with every intention of love, positivity and peace.

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