Thursday, April 30, 2015

Life lessons aren't always easy

Yesterday morning talk with Roslyn, to let her know we lost a friend. 

She handled it well.  Shocked, sad. So sad for her friend and of course, reminded of her own losses.

If I can teach her anything in this life, I want to teach her to be a good friend. 

To be there in the good times and the bad times, to walk in when everything seems too hard or uncomfortable. To be compassionate, empathetic, loving, loyal and resilient in her friendships. 

I'm lucky she has the kindest heart and the most beautiful soul already. Not much worked required. I'm blessed to be her mama, and I am also blessed that I get to have her as a friend.

Life lessons aren't always easy.  But we are always both learning and growing.

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

We think we have time...

My friend died last night. A girl I've known since I was 12, shared those crazy and awkward years that start with Jr. High and last through forever with, and welcomed our first born beautiful daughters within days of each other with.  A friend who lived her life aware of who her friends were and sharing with them what she thought they'd love to brighten their days. 

I did not see this coming. Never in a million years. If I had, I would have picked up the fucking phone. But now I am left with my to do list for today, written yesterday, that starts off with "call friend back while Vivi is at school". I hadn't been feeling well and as we have a tendency to do, we think we have time. We always think we have time. 

But we don't always have time. Sometimes, a missed phone call cannot be returned. Sometimes, you will never get to say hello again, and saddest of all, sometimes you will never get to say one last goodbye. 

I will miss my friend. I will miss her posts and message to me, her texts and her calls. My heart aches to lose my friend and for those who have lost their daughter, their mother, their sister and their friend. 

Friend, I promise to keep you in my heart. I promise to keep an eye out for your beautiful daughter, one of Roslyn's best friends. I promise to never run out of extra love and hugs for her. I pray that you are in peace and comfort and that you continue to shine your light on us the way you did in life. My heart is broken, but now yours is free. Until we meet again. 

Thursday, April 23, 2015

touching base on 2015 goals...

This year I initially wanted to be about the year of "Do." As in do more, think and plan less. So far this year seems to be about do more to create, protect, preserve and perfect if at all possible my environment. Who I spend time with, where I spend time, what I spend time doing, when I spend time doing it, and most importantly, WHY I spend time doing it. 

Doing for me is manifesting in less, cleaning my environment physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. Making tough choices. Allowing myself to be okay in acting for my best interests. Self care is okay. Self preservation is okay. It's more than okay. It's vital. 

Maybe this part of 2015 is about the fact that it's okay to say no. No I don't want the proverbial you, this or that in my life. And saying good bye. Or not saying it all the same. 
I've also learned that I owe no explanations for my choices. And that is freedom. 

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Everything Changes

2015. Wow.  How did that happen? And how is it already nearing the end of April?  Winter has come and gone, spring has sprung, and the gleam of summer is in every child's eye as they finish up their school year.

The saying goes that March comes in like a lion... for me, it was January that came in like a lion. A new year, new endeavors, new hardships, new lessons, new realities.  Almost too much to bear with at times... enough for at least two or three seasons, crammed into one crazy span of a week in one month.  In so many ways, this has lead me to retreat, step back, crawl into my shell and hide for a bit. It's been hard. It's been scary. It's been my new reality.

The month of January 2015 held in store for me and my family the death of my aunt Kathy; the surgery, complications and re-hospitalization of my brother; and most frightening, my father suffered a stroke. The last week of January and beginning of February was spent with him in the hospital and then a rehabilitation hospital. On top of this, I started attending Northern Arizona University-Yavapai in January as a full time student. February brought with it the passing of a dear friend to cancer, and the continuing disintegration of some of the relationships in my life that had been struggling and that I had been struggling to nourish out of my own hurt.

I have a tendency to go into retreat mode when life gets overwhelming.  As much as I want to "rage against the dying of the light", I find myself going into the cellar of my own mind and home to wait for the storm to pass, trying to think the storm away. Those periods are dark. They're overwhelming. And when I am in them, they feel like my new forever reality.

Thankfully, that is not the case. Because it's true... Nothing lasts. Everything changes.

The spring will always come. And I find myself, finally, emerging from that bunker, ready and capable of facing life, at least for now.  And now is really all we have that we can be sure of.  We are here now, right now... nothing else is guaranteed. I've learned that the very hard and scary way the last few years. The people we love aren't guaranteed to always be there. The people in our lives may not stay in our lives in the same ways that they have. You will lose people to death and difference and drama and distance to name a few.

But the amazing thing? The thing that keeps me going? You will gain new people, you will reconnect and connect even more with people you know, and in this modern world- distance doesn't have to be so bad, and in so many cases the differences are what makes a connection magical.

I am embarking on a new season... not just Spring as we know it in our environment, but a new season personally... mentally, physically, and spiritually. It's time to shed the brittle leaves of the past and take the time to allow for new growth in myself. I'm learning to pay attention to self, to nurture my own needs as well as others, and that working hard on and for myself ultimately leads to creating something good for everyone I love.